august

august was the month when i first saw you

when we were both young and reckless

exchanging numbers, hoping that one of us would make the first move

wasn't the best year of my life, i was betrayed for no reason

but at least you were there, glad that at some point we met

never knew how much we could fall 

into the deepest of someone's eyes

until i breathed your promises, let it filled my blood

like summer air we craved, it was warm and odd 

those who knew warned us 'bout this feeling

but, hey, once again we were just kids

nothing scared us, not even the biggest risks

august was the month when we celebrated your 18 birthday

like i knew before, we stood there under the sun

our eyes hurt, blinded by the light

with you whispered on my ears, you were holding my hands

we weren't afraid by the future, but separation

you told me everything will be okay

months after our story folded, we became distanced

i wonder when was the last time you stop replying

i never put anything behind, just to let you apart

starting to wonder when did it went wrong

something was probably off from the star, mixed signal, red flags, sure i was oblivious

with lies and broken promises, loose it like i never possessed it

august was the month that you decided to remain silent

i never knew where you went, where you headed,

i thought we both lost, in gazillion starts right upon our heads

i'd never been this scared, maybe i shouldn't

you told me to get over it, that we both should move on

like how could you, how could you

and then you told me, you were never been in the first place

you were never love me, for once

august was the month when i first saw you

when we were both young and reckless

exchanging numbers, hoping that one of us would make the first move

wasn't the best year of my life, i was betrayed for no reason

but at least you were there, glad that at some point we met

Glue

Months passed and you are still as sweet as it started

But somehow i still feel like i need to be careful

Dont wanna hear the sound of my heart breaking no more

Yet risking it all to be with you all the time 

I know at some point i need to let it go and trust the process

Keeping everything real and grounded, because what has happened in the past

You said it will be different,

And im kinda hoping it so

Im thinking bout the time we spent

How our toes touched the grass and our lungs breath the sparkly air

Wind in my face and your arms around me

You tried to comfort me and i wanted to believe

But my insecurities forbid me

Maybe we should take some distances and take a break

Maybe I should

But that means i have to unwrap everything that you folded

The next thing i know that I am afraid that the glue will dry out 

And the presents will no longer be a surprise

Gak Tahu Mau Kemana

Bagaikan sampan yang melaju tak pasti,

Kadang cepat, kadang lambat, kadang juga goyah,

Semuanya tergantung oleh aliran air yang bergerak di bawahnya,

Atau desiran angin syahdu yang mengalun di tepinya,

Sama seperti kehidupanku atau kehidupanmu, dan milyaran manusia di muka bumi ini.

Sekarang entah apakah masih di hulu atau sudah di hilir,

Yang jelas, aku tidak ingin berhenti; apalagi turun dari sampanku,

Sampai nanti ku yakin betul bahwa perhentianku adalah tempat fajar menyingsing, 

Di saat itulah cerita baru untuk mereka mulai ku ukir. 

Selamat tahun baru,

Semoga kita selalu diberikan kesehatan dan cinta kasih,

Dan yang terpenting, keyakinan untuk terus melaju,

Karena kamu harus tahu, bahwa takdir tidak pernah salah memilih,

- C.

2021

Hi, Net..

2021 is finally coming to an end. Cepet banget ya gak kerasa. Lots of things happened. Dari yang baik sampe yang buruk semuanya udah aku rasain. Aku gak tahu mau mulai darimana. Yang jelas, lagi-lagi aku gagal.

Setelah harapanku sempat melambung, lagi-lagi dipupuskan. 

Kayaknya emang ini inti dari 2021-ku. Diangkat dulu, terus dibanting ke tanah sekencang-kencangnya.

Padahal aku pikir 2021 bakal jadi tahun yang menyenangkan. Berusia 21 di tanggal 21 di tahun 2021.

Tapi apa? Hidupku justru di poros kehancuran. Aku heran, dosa apa yang harus aku bayar sampai segininya cobaan yang hadir dalam hidupku. Masih berusaha untuk positif, mungkin Tuhan masih ingin melihatku berusaha. Berjuang. Sampai titik darah penghabisan. Mungkin.

---------------

Dear Net, i met someone new.

Sebetulnya, he's someone from my past. Who would've thought kalau ketemu dia lagi bakal berbeda kali ini. He's sweet and charming, i dont care if it's too fast. Kayaknya dia satu-satunya hal baik yang terjadi di tahun 2021 ini. 

Semoga aja dia bertahan. Semoga.

Long Hours Call

I remember how it started

Two eyes met at some point, you saw me smiling

We traded cards, i got your number

Wondering would it be ok if i made the first move

It was no doubt, the wisest mistake I ever took

Days passed, we exchanged news

I heard about your calling, you heard about mine

We talked about our dreams, while sipping coffee during the daylight

Your smile was deadly charming, i still could not forget it

You said i was the first, who get you and our minds are alike

We were so close, we thought nothing can separate us

Long hours call, when did it fall

Apart like nothing left, no traces you bet

Maybe it was easy for you to restart, while im dying to stay alive

To see you happy was the best gift i ever received, eventhough i wasnt in it

Walking away was not an option, it was an obligation

As if you screamed "go go go"!

Folded papers, with your sketches inside

Polariods shattered on the floor, we laid upon them

You whispered how much you love me, your gestures were showing

We couldnt tell what time is it

But we both knew we were late for the show

Who cares, they dont know bout rush

They probably start without us

So we danced under the dim light

Talked about mystery and conspiracy

Before you let me fall asleep upon your arm

The late night show we used to watch

Ended after we said goodbye

The pictures we framed

Fell and shattered two days later

Thank you for being there

Four years is a long time

Even for me, a hopeless romantic

Who will always wait for your

Long hours call...

21

I was 20 when i first met you,

February 6th, if i am not mistaken the date I marked

Heart was openned, lips were locked

I wanted to tell you every second, every minute

How i was so deeply in love with you

No lesson learned, somehow kind of breaking the rule

Missing the red flags, tip-toeing the advices, adrenaline rushes

I was never the trusting type, you know how well it is

But with you, no need to questions

I give you everything without being asked

love seems possible to reach

It was not something so hard to solve

Easy to catch yet hard to let go-o-o

Tell me how things turned out differently as i turned 21?

You changed your mind, heart seems to burn out, two heads dont stand in same side, and then everything seems so lifeless

Wasn't 21 your favorite number

I remember you've said it before

When i told you my birthday

And you show me your jersey number was also 21

We were laughing at the facts that this number was ours

We may have danced a little bit

Visiting friends, trading clothes

You told me bout your past, and i laughed at your jokes

You charmed me with your smile, it fed my ego

We were changing promises, like we took those polaroids

Heavy and colorless but memorable more than any ever

Too many questions in one song 

But I know one day you will have the guts to answer it

Because the day you walked out the door didnt make you any wiser than 21

We buit a house that soon you will left behind

We made a vow than soon you will break to pieces

The moment that you stayed up longer 

The moment that i should have known

You were planning on your departure

And left me in despair

Oh maybe you did it on purpose

To pay back for what i did

Spent my 21 loving you so carelessly 

February Man

Hey February man, i saw you last night

Smiley face, big wide eyes

Looked all different than the way you used to be

Did you lose some weight? Did you cut your hair?

I hate to tell you that, small talk like that, it made me uncomfortable in some kind of way

I said hello, you said hi, like everything was alright

It was august, raining hard, i was looking at my phone waiting for your name to appear

I wasn't sure what did i do wrong, maybe it was too fast, maybe i asked too much, maybe i said something too brave, oh how i put all the blame in me

But the clock keep ticking, your name was never there and once again im standing here

Alone, with no hope, all the guilt, all the feelings that shouldn't be here because with you i was so sure 

Hey february man, months passed, i still remember that day

We were so in love, why did you leave so sudden

You left no traces, you deleted those messages

You erased me from your life, like i was no one

But i still kept your photographs, like i kept my promises

You still my february man, with no doubt 

I heard that you found someone new,you told me that she's a doctor

Im happier than ever, but how about our unresolved business,

I bet that you do consider that it was all finished, but i dont think the same way

The night you cut me off, it was one sided

I was never wanted it all to end..

Hey february man, i dont think you ever hear this

But was it stupid to fall in love with someone who fires hate?

Was it a waste to keep giving when all you do was keep rejecting?

Was it stable if only one of us didn't tremble?

Was it healthy if we both stay in a relationship which one of us dont feel the same way?

Please tell me, because you are the one who seems to already figure this out

Because i dont, i dont..

It was a new august, and your name stop entering my mind

You with her, good news with bad timing

I saw you walk passed me, with no notice that this could be this hard

We both grow old and forget all the things that happened

I sparked a smile you cried a tear,

But as the time goes by, you are not more than a boy whose name i dont see clear..