SELF DISCOVERY

1. How i stood up for myself

I was 7. I hadn't had my first period. my body hadn't developed as a young woman. my hair was braided. i was a kid. I didn't understand what was love like. I didn't know where the babies come from. And i never asked. 

    There was a little boy, who was also 7. He liked to pull my braids and called me ugly. He broke my pencils. He said i was poor because my shoes were ugly. He said mean things to me. I never reacted. Till one day, i slapped his face after he peeked what was under my skirt. the whole school were panicked. He was one of that 'rich' kids whose parents ruled the school. the teacher said i need to ask for an apology. I said no, he should be the one. They got mad. They said he must have did all those bad things to me because he likes me. I said no. 

Like and being disrespectful are two very different things. I moved from that school.

 2. I have the rights to say 'no' 

There was one thing that right came to my mind yesterday. Why do most men can't accept the word 'no'. I was once read how most women in relationship are open with rejections and the word 'no'. even when it comes to break up, most women will blame themselves and contemplate what did they do wrong to deserve it. I have heard less women do post-break up revenge (in violent ways) rather than men. I have heard more brutality and murders who are commited by men who just got rejected by a women. I have heard it all and i just turned 18 months ago.

      I was 11 and he was 13.I met him in a math club. He said he likes me. I was never interested. He left me more than 100 miscalls. followed me everywhere in school and afterschool. He terrorized me. I was very disturbed. But still, i said no. 

One day he spread rumours about me. he said i was a bitch. he said i was a lesbian. everyone believed on that rumours and then he asked, why do i still reject him. i should have scared about what happens next. i said, "i'm a lesbian, right? why would i wanna be with you?" everyone was there. i was fine. i wasn't afraid.

 3. Mama's call 

I was sitting infront of tv when mama came in. She said now i have grown up. She said i made her proud. I said "Thanks, Ma" Ma said i have take another level in this education. I have to earned a master degree. I don't need to look back or listen to others. Ma said, "Made your own choice" 

But those aunties said "Nobody wants an arrogant woman who has a master degree". I said i am not arrogant, or picky. I just wanted to take another education, for a better living. Ma was smiling at me. She said i dont need to find a rich man, i need to be the rich man.

SELF DISCOVERY

i want you to believe🌻🐝

i was born on friday night. started my new life in this empty place called earth. i breath new life. i do inhale and exhale, before anyone told me to relax.

i wanted you see my dream, where all the things are arranged the way i want it to be. But you didn’t, wouldn’t or couldn’t. i need an explanation.

i wanted you to see me, the way i want it to be. i wanted you to see me in my sundress, with my hair down and barefeet. i wanted to walk alongside the beach, with you holding my hand tightly. 

i get lost in my own world. in my own thoughts. you can see me sitting next to you, but my soul wonders somewhere. and it takes minutes to get me back to my own reality

you get mad at me all the time. you will spit your words that hurt me more than a knife. but i still sit and listen, i will look at your face with my two round eyes, wishing than someday you’ll find out this sign. someday.

i never wanted anything more than i want you to reach your hand to the prosperous life you have always wanted. and if you don’t mind, take my hand also, and teach me to dance in your new life.

but right now, all i ever wanted is having you to believe in me, when i started my first step when i’m coming to this world. and my last step when i’m leaving this world.