Jakarta, Agustus 2018

Gak kerasa ya udah lama banget gue numpahin semua perasaan di blog ini. Seneng rasanya bisa sekonsisten ini menelurkan semua aspirasi yang biasanya gue pendem ke sesuatu yang atleast positif. rasanya klise banget pas mau nulis ini, but yeah,life must go on!itu sih kata-kata tergampang buat dilontarin tapi paling susah dilaksanain sama orang kayak gue. kenapa gue bilang gitu? Well, my feelings are mixed up LATELY. deepest guilt i've ever felt. semuanya emang salah gue. i'm the one who started it all. gue adalah orang termacem-macem yang sebetulnya diri gue sadarin ketika emang udah melampaui batas. gue gak akan menceritakan secara gamblang apa yang terjadi sama gue. ya, seperti yang gue bilang diatas, gue capek dalam dunia kardus yang gue ciptakan ini. emang bener kata orang-orang kalau kita mesti hati-hati sama masalah hati. capek banget. dan Net, sebetulnya sumber masalahnya ya dari satu orang aja. dia-dia lagi. orang itu juga yang merusak hubungan persahabatan gue, merusak semangat belajar gue. why didn't i learn from pasts?

SELF DISCOVERY

1. How i stood up for myself

I was 7. I hadn't had my first period. my body hadn't developed as a young woman. my hair was braided. i was a kid. I didn't understand what was love like. I didn't know where the babies come from. And i never asked. 

    There was a little boy, who was also 7. He liked to pull my braids and called me ugly. He broke my pencils. He said i was poor because my shoes were ugly. He said mean things to me. I never reacted. Till one day, i slapped his face after he peeked what was under my skirt. the whole school were panicked. He was one of that 'rich' kids whose parents ruled the school. the teacher said i need to ask for an apology. I said no, he should be the one. They got mad. They said he must have did all those bad things to me because he likes me. I said no. 

Like and being disrespectful are two very different things. I moved from that school.

 2. I have the rights to say 'no' 

There was one thing that right came to my mind yesterday. Why do most men can't accept the word 'no'. I was once read how most women in relationship are open with rejections and the word 'no'. even when it comes to break up, most women will blame themselves and contemplate what did they do wrong to deserve it. I have heard less women do post-break up revenge (in violent ways) rather than men. I have heard more brutality and murders who are commited by men who just got rejected by a women. I have heard it all and i just turned 18 months ago.

      I was 11 and he was 13.I met him in a math club. He said he likes me. I was never interested. He left me more than 100 miscalls. followed me everywhere in school and afterschool. He terrorized me. I was very disturbed. But still, i said no. 

One day he spread rumours about me. he said i was a bitch. he said i was a lesbian. everyone believed on that rumours and then he asked, why do i still reject him. i should have scared about what happens next. i said, "i'm a lesbian, right? why would i wanna be with you?" everyone was there. i was fine. i wasn't afraid.

 3. Mama's call 

I was sitting infront of tv when mama came in. She said now i have grown up. She said i made her proud. I said "Thanks, Ma" Ma said i have take another level in this education. I have to earned a master degree. I don't need to look back or listen to others. Ma said, "Made your own choice" 

But those aunties said "Nobody wants an arrogant woman who has a master degree". I said i am not arrogant, or picky. I just wanted to take another education, for a better living. Ma was smiling at me. She said i dont need to find a rich man, i need to be the rich man.

SELF DISCOVERY

i want you to believe🌻🐝

i was born on friday night. started my new life in this empty place called earth. i breath new life. i do inhale and exhale, before anyone told me to relax.

i wanted you see my dream, where all the things are arranged the way i want it to be. But you didn’t, wouldn’t or couldn’t. i need an explanation.

i wanted you to see me, the way i want it to be. i wanted you to see me in my sundress, with my hair down and barefeet. i wanted to walk alongside the beach, with you holding my hand tightly. 

i get lost in my own world. in my own thoughts. you can see me sitting next to you, but my soul wonders somewhere. and it takes minutes to get me back to my own reality

you get mad at me all the time. you will spit your words that hurt me more than a knife. but i still sit and listen, i will look at your face with my two round eyes, wishing than someday you’ll find out this sign. someday.

i never wanted anything more than i want you to reach your hand to the prosperous life you have always wanted. and if you don’t mind, take my hand also, and teach me to dance in your new life.

but right now, all i ever wanted is having you to believe in me, when i started my first step when i’m coming to this world. and my last step when i’m leaving this world.

Powerful Female Characters I Fall in Love With

HELLO WOMEN! welcome back with me, Cindy. not to be exaggerating but really, gue bosen banget melow-mellow ala sanguinis gini. gue mau nulis artikel yang sepertinya gak terlalu penting buat netizen, tapi penting buat gue. kayaknya semua ini pengaruh keseringan nonton film mereka dan gue langsung mikir "hmmmm... gue pengen dong jadi kayak Mbak ini!" yep, that's true. representation itu penting apalagi buat adolescent. dengan melihat adanya tokoh perempuan yang powerful di TV, seorang anak perempuan muda gak akan ngerasain lagi tuh punya low self esteem, kayak yang biasa gue rasain. tap ini tuh dulu, self esteem gue udah muncul dikit-dikit. alhamdulillah, karena gue mulai mencari-cari titik demi titik kelebihan gue, dan mengumpulkannya walaupun belum menjadi bukit. okedeh, ini dia list cewk-cewek powerful yang gue sangat adore! cekidot!

 1. Gracie Hart a.k.a Gracie Lou Freebush seorang agen FBI, yang kerennya gak perlu dipertanyakan lagi. awalanya emang sih sikapnya sembrono, gaya berpakaiannya acak-acakan, pembawaanya kasar dan suka banget sarcasm. Gracie awalnya emang punya negative view sama beauty pageant tapi toh, dia mau ngubah cara pandangnya setelah bergaul sama beberapa kontestan dan terjun langsung dalam kontes itu. jujur, gue aspired bgt pengen kayak dia.cantik, pinter, bisa bela diri. GUESS WHAT, dia gak butuh cowok buat ngelindungin dia.

 2. Eugenia 'Skeeter' Phelan oke-oke, hands down. salah satu tokoh paling influential lewat goresan tangannya. gue gak yakin di era-nya kita banyak nemuin cewek kyk doi sih. bener-bener kritis dan aware sama social issues yang ada di sekitarnya. perlawanan yang ditempuh sama Skeeter buat ngerubah kebobrokan yang ada di sekitarnya cukup lewat tulisan, yang ditulis ecara tajam dan akurat. karena langsung dari sumber yang terpecaya. Skeeter juga enggak mau terus-terusan ngikutin kehidupan cewek-cewek sepantarannya yang goal of lifenya cuma nyari suami kaya dan gak ngelakuin apa-apa selain menghaburkan uang suaminya. two thumbs up for Skeeter!!!

3. Kugy 'Karmachameleon' okey, yang terakhir ini gue ngambil contoh dari tokoh lokal. gak fair rasanya kalo bawa-bawa tokoh asing terus >,< buat kalian penikmat buku karya Mbak Dewi Lestari, mungkin gak asing sama tokoh Kugy ini. walaupun berantakan, seing menghayal, dan kekanak-kanakan, dari sudut pandang gue, Kugy punya sesuatu yang bisa banget cewek-cewek teladanin. Kugy punya tekad yang kuat buat ngeraih apa yng dicita-citainnya. Kugy juga selalu menghargai orang-orang yang ada di sekitarnya dan selalu berusaha mengapresiasi mereka. patut banget dicontoh kan?

03/02/2018

Dear Net, gue udah gak tahu lagi gimana harus bersikap. mungkin kemarin adalah pertanda kalau semua seharusnya udah selesai. semuanya seharusnya udah berhenti. seharusnya gak boleh ada hubungan lagi. kenapa seolah-olah gue terus yang selalu merasa kalau dunia gue hampa, padahal sebetulnya banyak banget yang bisa gue kerjain di depan mata. secara harafiah, hampa artinya kosong. perasaan kosong itu seharusnya kosong, bukan sakit. tapi entah kenapa, yang gue rasain saat ini sakit banget. rasanya kayak dibanting dari lantai tertinggi tiba-tiba. mungkin karena gue yang terlalu banyak berharap. gue bukan tipe orang yang suka nyalahin orang. malah, gue selalu nyalahin diri gue sendiri setiap ada sesuatu yang ngerugiin diri gue atau sekitar gue. gue emang center of problems kekosongan yang gue alamin ini seharusnya bisa diobatin sama buku-buku yang gue baca. dan dasar sialan, kali ini si penyebab kekosongan gue jago banget, Net. gue selalu dibikin merasa bersalah, terus dianya ngilang gitu aja. kali ini semua permintaan maaf gue cuma dibales dingin. "Ngga", katanya. katanya dai nggak marah. tapi secuil kata-kata yang dia jadiin jawaban atas pertanyaan gue tadi sore itu justru mengindikasikan kalau dia marah banget sama gue. ya udah, gak pa-pa. it takes time. dan masalah yang lagi gue pikirin bukan cuma berputar di sekitar doi. gue lagi merasakan apa yang mereka sebut mental breakdown. gak lucu ya, anak psikologi ngalamin hal kayak gini. tapi juur, gue sering banget ngalamin mood swings yang berlebihan. gak tau apakah gue bipolar atau semacamnya atau emang hormon perempuan gue gak stabil jadi gue sering bete gitu deh. Eh, Hannibal Lecter aja psikiater tapi bisa jadi kannibal?! ah gue gak mau jadi kayak dia! hehehe gue pengen banget nulis sesuatu yang bisa ngeluapin perasaan gue sama dia. gue merasa, he's actually not worth it. tapi dia selalu muncul dalam pikiran gue kapan aja, seolah-olah ada alarm di otak gue yang nyetel kapan aja waktu dia bisa muncul dan menghantui gue. gue takut banget perasaan kayak gini bakalan muncul setelah sepuluh, dua puluh tahun kedepan. gue gak mau. gue mau berlabuh ke suatu dermaga dimana gue bisa dengan lega menambatkan seluruh isi perasaan gue tanpa ada rasa kecemasan, kekhawatiran gue salah. gue mau mendarat dengan damai dimana gue gak harus takut pesawat gue yang bawa melebihi kecepatan dan akan keluar jalur nabrak sesuatu. gue mau bersama sahabat gue, orang yang mengenali gue dan fine-fine aja sama semua kekurangan yang gue miliki. gak akan mengecewakan gue dan gue gak akan mengecewakan dia. tapi gue kangen dia

27/01/18

Dari milyaran manusia di muka bumi, ada kamu.
Bagi mereka, kamu sama saja.
Bagi aku, kamu berbeda.
Bagi mereka, kamu bukan kamu.
Bagi aku, kamu adalah kamu.

Di balik semua pertanyaan, ada jawaban.
Semua tergantung kamu, ingin lihat yang mana.
Solusi atau masalah? Terang atau gelap.
Sama seperti aku memilih kamu di antara yang lain.

25/01/18

Curhatan Tahun Baru

Dear Net, gue balik lagi
Menengok blog lama gue yg berdebu bgt. Kalo aja blog ini wujudnya rumah, pasti udh banyak "penunggu"nya.
Anyway, udah 2018. Banyak banget yg udah gue laluin. Soal resolusi, gak banyak kok. Yah intinya pengen jadi pribadi yg lebih baik lagi dari kemarin. Pengen lebih 'rapih' mungkin.
Ada satu lagi, mungkin ingin merelakan sesuatu yg mungkin bukan takdir gue.
Net, kayaknya my stream is over. Arus yang gue selalu usahain untuk lawan bahkan udah ga melaju ngelawan gue. Tiba-tiba aja surut. Gak ada lagi arus. Yang ada di sekitar gue hanyalah tanah kering kerontang penuh bebatuan.
Udah beberapa bulan gue lulus dari SMA. Dan selama itu juga gue udah gak ketemu dia.
Tapi Net, sabtu besok gue dateng ke acara SMA gue. Gue gak tahu dia bakal dateng apa enggak. Ya kalo dateng sukur, kalo engga ya gak papa. Kecewa-kecewa dikit karena udah ngebatalin janji mau jalan sama nyokap ke suatu tempat.
Makasih ya Net udah mau jadi tempat sampah gue. Hehehe