Gak Tahu Mau Kemana

Bagaikan sampan yang melaju tak pasti,

Kadang cepat, kadang lambat, kadang juga goyah,

Semuanya tergantung oleh aliran air yang bergerak di bawahnya,

Atau desiran angin syahdu yang mengalun di tepinya,

Sama seperti kehidupanku atau kehidupanmu, dan milyaran manusia di muka bumi ini.

Sekarang entah apakah masih di hulu atau sudah di hilir,

Yang jelas, aku tidak ingin berhenti; apalagi turun dari sampanku,

Sampai nanti ku yakin betul bahwa perhentianku adalah tempat fajar menyingsing, 

Di saat itulah cerita baru untuk mereka mulai ku ukir. 

Selamat tahun baru,

Semoga kita selalu diberikan kesehatan dan cinta kasih,

Dan yang terpenting, keyakinan untuk terus melaju,

Karena kamu harus tahu, bahwa takdir tidak pernah salah memilih,

- C.

2021

Hi, Net..

2021 is finally coming to an end. Cepet banget ya gak kerasa. Lots of things happened. Dari yang baik sampe yang buruk semuanya udah aku rasain. Aku gak tahu mau mulai darimana. Yang jelas, lagi-lagi aku gagal.

Setelah harapanku sempat melambung, lagi-lagi dipupuskan. 

Kayaknya emang ini inti dari 2021-ku. Diangkat dulu, terus dibanting ke tanah sekencang-kencangnya.

Padahal aku pikir 2021 bakal jadi tahun yang menyenangkan. Berusia 21 di tanggal 21 di tahun 2021.

Tapi apa? Hidupku justru di poros kehancuran. Aku heran, dosa apa yang harus aku bayar sampai segininya cobaan yang hadir dalam hidupku. Masih berusaha untuk positif, mungkin Tuhan masih ingin melihatku berusaha. Berjuang. Sampai titik darah penghabisan. Mungkin.

---------------

Dear Net, i met someone new.

Sebetulnya, he's someone from my past. Who would've thought kalau ketemu dia lagi bakal berbeda kali ini. He's sweet and charming, i dont care if it's too fast. Kayaknya dia satu-satunya hal baik yang terjadi di tahun 2021 ini. 

Semoga aja dia bertahan. Semoga.

Long Hours Call

I remember how it started

Two eyes met at some point, you saw me smiling

We traded cards, i got your number

Wondering would it be ok if i made the first move

It was no doubt, the wisest mistake I ever took

Days passed, we exchanged news

I heard about your calling, you heard about mine

We talked about our dreams, while sipping coffee during the daylight

Your smile was deadly charming, i still could not forget it

You said i was the first, who get you and our minds are alike

We were so close, we thought nothing can separate us

Long hours call, when did it fall

Apart like nothing left, no traces you bet

Maybe it was easy for you to restart, while im dying to stay alive

To see you happy was the best gift i ever received, eventhough i wasnt in it

Walking away was not an option, it was an obligation

As if you screamed "go go go"!

Folded papers, with your sketches inside

Polariods shattered on the floor, we laid upon them

You whispered how much you love me, your gestures were showing

We couldnt tell what time is it

But we both knew we were late for the show

Who cares, they dont know bout rush

They probably start without us

So we danced under the dim light

Talked about mystery and conspiracy

Before you let me fall asleep upon your arm

The late night show we used to watch

Ended after we said goodbye

The pictures we framed

Fell and shattered two days later

Thank you for being there

Four years is a long time

Even for me, a hopeless romantic

Who will always wait for your

Long hours call...

21

I was 20 when i first met you,

February 6th, if i am not mistaken the date I marked

Heart was openned, lips were locked

I wanted to tell you every second, every minute

How i was so deeply in love with you

No lesson learned, somehow kind of breaking the rule

Missing the red flags, tip-toeing the advices, adrenaline rushes

I was never the trusting type, you know how well it is

But with you, no need to questions

I give you everything without being asked

love seems possible to reach

It was not something so hard to solve

Easy to catch yet hard to let go-o-o

Tell me how things turned out differently as i turned 21?

You changed your mind, heart seems to burn out, two heads dont stand in same side, and then everything seems so lifeless

Wasn't 21 your favorite number

I remember you've said it before

When i told you my birthday

And you show me your jersey number was also 21

We were laughing at the facts that this number was ours

We may have danced a little bit

Visiting friends, trading clothes

You told me bout your past, and i laughed at your jokes

You charmed me with your smile, it fed my ego

We were changing promises, like we took those polaroids

Heavy and colorless but memorable more than any ever

Too many questions in one song 

But I know one day you will have the guts to answer it

Because the day you walked out the door didnt make you any wiser than 21

We buit a house that soon you will left behind

We made a vow than soon you will break to pieces

The moment that you stayed up longer 

The moment that i should have known

You were planning on your departure

And left me in despair

Oh maybe you did it on purpose

To pay back for what i did

Spent my 21 loving you so carelessly 

February Man

Hey February man, i saw you last night

Smiley face, big wide eyes

Looked all different than the way you used to be

Did you lose some weight? Did you cut your hair?

I hate to tell you that, small talk like that, it made me uncomfortable in some kind of way

I said hello, you said hi, like everything was alright

It was august, raining hard, i was looking at my phone waiting for your name to appear

I wasn't sure what did i do wrong, maybe it was too fast, maybe i asked too much, maybe i said something too brave, oh how i put all the blame in me

But the clock keep ticking, your name was never there and once again im standing here

Alone, with no hope, all the guilt, all the feelings that shouldn't be here because with you i was so sure 

Hey february man, months passed, i still remember that day

We were so in love, why did you leave so sudden

You left no traces, you deleted those messages

You erased me from your life, like i was no one

But i still kept your photographs, like i kept my promises

You still my february man, with no doubt 

I heard that you found someone new,you told me that she's a doctor

Im happier than ever, but how about our unresolved business,

I bet that you do consider that it was all finished, but i dont think the same way

The night you cut me off, it was one sided

I was never wanted it all to end..

Hey february man, i dont think you ever hear this

But was it stupid to fall in love with someone who fires hate?

Was it a waste to keep giving when all you do was keep rejecting?

Was it stable if only one of us didn't tremble?

Was it healthy if we both stay in a relationship which one of us dont feel the same way?

Please tell me, because you are the one who seems to already figure this out

Because i dont, i dont..

It was a new august, and your name stop entering my mind

You with her, good news with bad timing

I saw you walk passed me, with no notice that this could be this hard

We both grow old and forget all the things that happened

I sparked a smile you cried a tear,

But as the time goes by, you are not more than a boy whose name i dont see clear..

Do you ever feel sorry?

Months passed, that i have spent falling in love with you

The idea of you, the laughter, the crying

The way you smile captured in my mind, how i used to be happy everytime I hear your name

How many times i brought up your name in every conversation

You made me happy, you did

But what happened? You left so sudden

Only for couple weeks, you found a new girl

All my messages left unread, thousand times i reached you out

Did i do something wrong? I still dont even know why

The last time you hang up the phone, the moment i should have known

I cried myself to sleep, hurt myself in my dream

Things fall so quickly, your voices sound so deeply

Did you ever regret, the first time meeting me

Maybe you did, maybe you did

I wasnt gonna call you a liar

But deep down i know that lying is something that you are really good at

Or at least, faking your feelings to get sympathy

Did you ever feel sorry

For the things you did to me

Well i guess you did not, you did not

My love is endless, i always know that

Time flies, but if you ever come back, i will give it to you again

Thinking 'bout the way i fall so deep within your lies

And you wont help me out

Did i say that i still fucking love you?

Shit i did it again, i did it.

So.. I am Back? Anyone Miss Me?

2021. Time flies.

Bener ya kata orang, nulis di blog itu bisa jadi time capsule tersendiri buat si penulis.

Terakhir nulis di sini, 2018. Gue nulis kekesalan gue sendiri atas kepribadian gue yg antah berantah ini. Terakhir nulis buat dia. Cowo yang gue sayang selama lebih dari 5 tahun. Si cowo leo. Gila. Dari 10 sampe kuliah semester 3. 

Tapi sekarang gue ga mau bahas soal dia. Udah basi.

Gue mau ngomong ke 2018  Cindy.

Halo, terakhir kamu lagi galau ya?

Well, ga banyak yang berubah. 2021 Cindy juga masih sama. 

Di 2019, kamu lost contact sama si cowo leo. Suatu pertengkaran besar. Kamu ngeblock dia. Karena udah jenuh juga kayaknya. Kamu bingung kenapa dia pasif-agresif. You fell in love with the idea of him. Aku gak nyalahin kamu. Dia emang cowo pertama yang kamu bener-bener ngerasa 'klik'. Tapi kalau kamu inget-inget lagi... dia mirip ya sama kakak kelas yang kamu taksir waktu SMP. 

Btw skrg hujan deres bgt disekitar kamu. Tambah kangen sama masa lalu.

Iya. Kakak kelas yang itu. Namanya bahkan sama. Cuma beda penulisannyanya aja. Kok bisa ya. Sama-sama hitam manis. And you get played with both of them. Makanya. Stop jatuh cinta sama the idea only!! 

Balik lagi. Iya, kamu berantem sama dia. Walaupun kamu akhirnya nyesel. Kamu coba jalanin hubungan romantis kamu sama orang lain. Tapi gak bisa. Kamu akhirnya ngerasa bersalah. Capek ya? Kamu berusaha reach out ke dia. Semua chat kamu gak ada yang dibales. Kamu cuma bisa bersabar. Gak tau kapan dia bisa kembali ke kamu. Hei. It takes time. I am telling you. 

2 years later. Kamu baikan kok sama dia. He's still as charming as he used to be. Dan masih baikkk bgt sm kamu. Mungkin dia kangen sama kamu juga. Gak tau deh. Ngobrol2. Klik lagi. But somehow, the feelings changed. Kamu sendiri juga heran. Tapi kamu seneng, dia dan kamu udah bisa berteman lagi. Meski.. ya..

Alasan kamu nulis di sini sebetulnya bukan cuma curhat soal apa yang terjadi 2 tahun lalu. Tapi untuk cerita ke kamu di masa yang akan datang, soal masalah yang kamu hadapi sekarang. Gak tahu apakah future you will be in better position atau enggak. I hope so. Because she learned a lot.

Halo, 2021 Cindy.

Kamu lulus dari UI setelah 3.5 tahun. Kamu hebat. IPK kamu cum laude. Inget terakhir kamu nulis tentang UI di sini? Iya. Itu saat2 kamu baru dinyatakan diterima. Sekarang kamu udah lulus.

Kamu udah kerja bahkan sebelum kamu wisuda. Kamu ketemu banyak orang baru. Di bulan februari, tiba tiba kamu dikenalkan dengan seorang cowo. Dia beda dari semua cowo yang pernah kenal. Dia beda. Awalnya, kamu ragu. Kamu punya stereotype sendiri soal cowo cowo seperti dia. Kamu masih kunci hati kamu rapat-rapat. Tapi ntah kenapa, mama kamu maksa buat kamu kenal lebih 'jauh'. Dan kamu? Percaya aja. Kamu mulai cari tahu soal dia. Dan kamu balik lagi untuk jatuh cinta pada ide tentang dia. Ya ampun. Ini kesalahan yang sama. 

Hai Cindy, kamu pindah kerja di bulan juni. Iya. Di suatu tempat kerja yang lagi-lagi.. you only fell in love with the idea of it. Tapi kamu ketemu temen-temen yang baik. Belum ada yang se welcome ini.

Managersnya.. living satan! Kamu setiap hari nervous dan anxious setiap meeting. Tapi kamu tetep maksain buat jadi yang terbaik. Karena ada temen2 yang super supportive. 

Tapi sayang, kamu cuma bertahan 3 bulan. You failed the probation, Cin. Kamu hancur sehancur-hancurnya. At the same time, kamu kehilangan sahabat setiamu. Sosok mungil berbulu yang sehari sebelumnya seperti udah ngasi firasat. Kamu hancur berkeping-keping. Dan cowok bulan februari yang selalu jadi semangat buatmu sebelumnya, pergi ninggalin kamu. The idea of him being your way out, unfollow kamu di IG.

Kamu capek banget, pastinya.

Semoga kamu baik-baik aja. Tolong kabari jika kamu masih bertahan. Aku butuh kamu.