21

I was 20 when i first met you,

February 6th, if i am not mistaken the date I marked

Heart was openned, lips were locked

I wanted to tell you every second, every minute

How i was so deeply in love with you

No lesson learned, somehow kind of breaking the rule

Missing the red flags, tip-toeing the advices, adrenaline rushes

I was never the trusting type, you know how well it is

But with you, no need to questions

I give you everything without being asked

love seems possible to reach

It was not something so hard to solve

Easy to catch yet hard to let go-o-o

Tell me how things turned out differently as i turned 21?

You changed your mind, heart seems to burn out, two heads dont stand in same side, and then everything seems so lifeless

Wasn't 21 your favorite number

I remember you've said it before

When i told you my birthday

And you show me your jersey number was also 21

We were laughing at the facts that this number was ours

We may have danced a little bit

Visiting friends, trading clothes

You told me bout your past, and i laughed at your jokes

You charmed me with your smile, it fed my ego

We were changing promises, like we took those polaroids

Heavy and colorless but memorable more than any ever

Too many questions in one song 

But I know one day you will have the guts to answer it

Because the day you walked out the door didnt make you any wiser than 21

We buit a house that soon you will left behind

We made a vow than soon you will break to pieces

The moment that you stayed up longer 

The moment that i should have known

You were planning on your departure

And left me in despair

Oh maybe you did it on purpose

To pay back for what i did

Spent my 21 loving you so carelessly 

February Man

Hey February man, i saw you last night

Smiley face, big wide eyes

Looked all different than the way you used to be

Did you lose some weight? Did you cut your hair?

I hate to tell you that, small talk like that, it made me uncomfortable in some kind of way

I said hello, you said hi, like everything was alright

It was august, raining hard, i was looking at my phone waiting for your name to appear

I wasn't sure what did i do wrong, maybe it was too fast, maybe i asked too much, maybe i said something too brave, oh how i put all the blame in me

But the clock keep ticking, your name was never there and once again im standing here

Alone, with no hope, all the guilt, all the feelings that shouldn't be here because with you i was so sure 

Hey february man, months passed, i still remember that day

We were so in love, why did you leave so sudden

You left no traces, you deleted those messages

You erased me from your life, like i was no one

But i still kept your photographs, like i kept my promises

You still my february man, with no doubt 

I heard that you found someone new,you told me that she's a doctor

Im happier than ever, but how about our unresolved business,

I bet that you do consider that it was all finished, but i dont think the same way

The night you cut me off, it was one sided

I was never wanted it all to end..

Hey february man, i dont think you ever hear this

But was it stupid to fall in love with someone who fires hate?

Was it a waste to keep giving when all you do was keep rejecting?

Was it stable if only one of us didn't tremble?

Was it healthy if we both stay in a relationship which one of us dont feel the same way?

Please tell me, because you are the one who seems to already figure this out

Because i dont, i dont..

It was a new august, and your name stop entering my mind

You with her, good news with bad timing

I saw you walk passed me, with no notice that this could be this hard

We both grow old and forget all the things that happened

I sparked a smile you cried a tear,

But as the time goes by, you are not more than a boy whose name i dont see clear..

Do you ever feel sorry?

Months passed, that i have spent falling in love with you

The idea of you, the laughter, the crying

The way you smile captured in my mind, how i used to be happy everytime I hear your name

How many times i brought up your name in every conversation

You made me happy, you did

But what happened? You left so sudden

Only for couple weeks, you found a new girl

All my messages left unread, thousand times i reached you out

Did i do something wrong? I still dont even know why

The last time you hang up the phone, the moment i should have known

I cried myself to sleep, hurt myself in my dream

Things fall so quickly, your voices sound so deeply

Did you ever regret, the first time meeting me

Maybe you did, maybe you did

I wasnt gonna call you a liar

But deep down i know that lying is something that you are really good at

Or at least, faking your feelings to get sympathy

Did you ever feel sorry

For the things you did to me

Well i guess you did not, you did not

My love is endless, i always know that

Time flies, but if you ever come back, i will give it to you again

Thinking 'bout the way i fall so deep within your lies

And you wont help me out

Did i say that i still fucking love you?

Shit i did it again, i did it.

So.. I am Back? Anyone Miss Me?

2021. Time flies.

Bener ya kata orang, nulis di blog itu bisa jadi time capsule tersendiri buat si penulis.

Terakhir nulis di sini, 2018. Gue nulis kekesalan gue sendiri atas kepribadian gue yg antah berantah ini. Terakhir nulis buat dia. Cowo yang gue sayang selama lebih dari 5 tahun. Si cowo leo. Gila. Dari 10 sampe kuliah semester 3. 

Tapi sekarang gue ga mau bahas soal dia. Udah basi.

Gue mau ngomong ke 2018  Cindy.

Halo, terakhir kamu lagi galau ya?

Well, ga banyak yang berubah. 2021 Cindy juga masih sama. 

Di 2019, kamu lost contact sama si cowo leo. Suatu pertengkaran besar. Kamu ngeblock dia. Karena udah jenuh juga kayaknya. Kamu bingung kenapa dia pasif-agresif. You fell in love with the idea of him. Aku gak nyalahin kamu. Dia emang cowo pertama yang kamu bener-bener ngerasa 'klik'. Tapi kalau kamu inget-inget lagi... dia mirip ya sama kakak kelas yang kamu taksir waktu SMP. 

Btw skrg hujan deres bgt disekitar kamu. Tambah kangen sama masa lalu.

Iya. Kakak kelas yang itu. Namanya bahkan sama. Cuma beda penulisannyanya aja. Kok bisa ya. Sama-sama hitam manis. And you get played with both of them. Makanya. Stop jatuh cinta sama the idea only!! 

Balik lagi. Iya, kamu berantem sama dia. Walaupun kamu akhirnya nyesel. Kamu coba jalanin hubungan romantis kamu sama orang lain. Tapi gak bisa. Kamu akhirnya ngerasa bersalah. Capek ya? Kamu berusaha reach out ke dia. Semua chat kamu gak ada yang dibales. Kamu cuma bisa bersabar. Gak tau kapan dia bisa kembali ke kamu. Hei. It takes time. I am telling you. 

2 years later. Kamu baikan kok sama dia. He's still as charming as he used to be. Dan masih baikkk bgt sm kamu. Mungkin dia kangen sama kamu juga. Gak tau deh. Ngobrol2. Klik lagi. But somehow, the feelings changed. Kamu sendiri juga heran. Tapi kamu seneng, dia dan kamu udah bisa berteman lagi. Meski.. ya..

Alasan kamu nulis di sini sebetulnya bukan cuma curhat soal apa yang terjadi 2 tahun lalu. Tapi untuk cerita ke kamu di masa yang akan datang, soal masalah yang kamu hadapi sekarang. Gak tahu apakah future you will be in better position atau enggak. I hope so. Because she learned a lot.

Halo, 2021 Cindy.

Kamu lulus dari UI setelah 3.5 tahun. Kamu hebat. IPK kamu cum laude. Inget terakhir kamu nulis tentang UI di sini? Iya. Itu saat2 kamu baru dinyatakan diterima. Sekarang kamu udah lulus.

Kamu udah kerja bahkan sebelum kamu wisuda. Kamu ketemu banyak orang baru. Di bulan februari, tiba tiba kamu dikenalkan dengan seorang cowo. Dia beda dari semua cowo yang pernah kenal. Dia beda. Awalnya, kamu ragu. Kamu punya stereotype sendiri soal cowo cowo seperti dia. Kamu masih kunci hati kamu rapat-rapat. Tapi ntah kenapa, mama kamu maksa buat kamu kenal lebih 'jauh'. Dan kamu? Percaya aja. Kamu mulai cari tahu soal dia. Dan kamu balik lagi untuk jatuh cinta pada ide tentang dia. Ya ampun. Ini kesalahan yang sama. 

Hai Cindy, kamu pindah kerja di bulan juni. Iya. Di suatu tempat kerja yang lagi-lagi.. you only fell in love with the idea of it. Tapi kamu ketemu temen-temen yang baik. Belum ada yang se welcome ini.

Managersnya.. living satan! Kamu setiap hari nervous dan anxious setiap meeting. Tapi kamu tetep maksain buat jadi yang terbaik. Karena ada temen2 yang super supportive. 

Tapi sayang, kamu cuma bertahan 3 bulan. You failed the probation, Cin. Kamu hancur sehancur-hancurnya. At the same time, kamu kehilangan sahabat setiamu. Sosok mungil berbulu yang sehari sebelumnya seperti udah ngasi firasat. Kamu hancur berkeping-keping. Dan cowok bulan februari yang selalu jadi semangat buatmu sebelumnya, pergi ninggalin kamu. The idea of him being your way out, unfollow kamu di IG.

Kamu capek banget, pastinya.

Semoga kamu baik-baik aja. Tolong kabari jika kamu masih bertahan. Aku butuh kamu.

Jakarta, Agustus 2018

Gak kerasa ya udah lama banget gue numpahin semua perasaan di blog ini. Seneng rasanya bisa sekonsisten ini menelurkan semua aspirasi yang biasanya gue pendem ke sesuatu yang atleast positif. rasanya klise banget pas mau nulis ini, but yeah,life must go on!itu sih kata-kata tergampang buat dilontarin tapi paling susah dilaksanain sama orang kayak gue. kenapa gue bilang gitu? Well, my feelings are mixed up LATELY. deepest guilt i've ever felt. semuanya emang salah gue. i'm the one who started it all. gue adalah orang termacem-macem yang sebetulnya diri gue sadarin ketika emang udah melampaui batas. gue gak akan menceritakan secara gamblang apa yang terjadi sama gue. ya, seperti yang gue bilang diatas, gue capek dalam dunia kardus yang gue ciptakan ini. emang bener kata orang-orang kalau kita mesti hati-hati sama masalah hati. capek banget. dan Net, sebetulnya sumber masalahnya ya dari satu orang aja. dia-dia lagi. orang itu juga yang merusak hubungan persahabatan gue, merusak semangat belajar gue. why didn't i learn from pasts?

SELF DISCOVERY

1. How i stood up for myself

I was 7. I hadn't had my first period. my body hadn't developed as a young woman. my hair was braided. i was a kid. I didn't understand what was love like. I didn't know where the babies come from. And i never asked. 

    There was a little boy, who was also 7. He liked to pull my braids and called me ugly. He broke my pencils. He said i was poor because my shoes were ugly. He said mean things to me. I never reacted. Till one day, i slapped his face after he peeked what was under my skirt. the whole school were panicked. He was one of that 'rich' kids whose parents ruled the school. the teacher said i need to ask for an apology. I said no, he should be the one. They got mad. They said he must have did all those bad things to me because he likes me. I said no. 

Like and being disrespectful are two very different things. I moved from that school.

 2. I have the rights to say 'no' 

There was one thing that right came to my mind yesterday. Why do most men can't accept the word 'no'. I was once read how most women in relationship are open with rejections and the word 'no'. even when it comes to break up, most women will blame themselves and contemplate what did they do wrong to deserve it. I have heard less women do post-break up revenge (in violent ways) rather than men. I have heard more brutality and murders who are commited by men who just got rejected by a women. I have heard it all and i just turned 18 months ago.

      I was 11 and he was 13.I met him in a math club. He said he likes me. I was never interested. He left me more than 100 miscalls. followed me everywhere in school and afterschool. He terrorized me. I was very disturbed. But still, i said no. 

One day he spread rumours about me. he said i was a bitch. he said i was a lesbian. everyone believed on that rumours and then he asked, why do i still reject him. i should have scared about what happens next. i said, "i'm a lesbian, right? why would i wanna be with you?" everyone was there. i was fine. i wasn't afraid.

 3. Mama's call 

I was sitting infront of tv when mama came in. She said now i have grown up. She said i made her proud. I said "Thanks, Ma" Ma said i have take another level in this education. I have to earned a master degree. I don't need to look back or listen to others. Ma said, "Made your own choice" 

But those aunties said "Nobody wants an arrogant woman who has a master degree". I said i am not arrogant, or picky. I just wanted to take another education, for a better living. Ma was smiling at me. She said i dont need to find a rich man, i need to be the rich man.

SELF DISCOVERY

i want you to believe🌻🐝

i was born on friday night. started my new life in this empty place called earth. i breath new life. i do inhale and exhale, before anyone told me to relax.

i wanted you see my dream, where all the things are arranged the way i want it to be. But you didn’t, wouldn’t or couldn’t. i need an explanation.

i wanted you to see me, the way i want it to be. i wanted you to see me in my sundress, with my hair down and barefeet. i wanted to walk alongside the beach, with you holding my hand tightly. 

i get lost in my own world. in my own thoughts. you can see me sitting next to you, but my soul wonders somewhere. and it takes minutes to get me back to my own reality

you get mad at me all the time. you will spit your words that hurt me more than a knife. but i still sit and listen, i will look at your face with my two round eyes, wishing than someday you’ll find out this sign. someday.

i never wanted anything more than i want you to reach your hand to the prosperous life you have always wanted. and if you don’t mind, take my hand also, and teach me to dance in your new life.

but right now, all i ever wanted is having you to believe in me, when i started my first step when i’m coming to this world. and my last step when i’m leaving this world.